Starting Over…
Dear Diary,
Nov 5th , Is the day he beat me. He beat me so badly that I had to pretend I was dead just so he would stop. A neighbor heard my screams and called the police. When they arrived my son told them I was on the kitchen floor and he thinks I'm dead. I don't remember much of that night. It was the worst night of my life and I'm not even sure how I survived.
Dec 10th, The police took photos of me that night and sent them. Last night I looked at those pictures and realized, I could easily charge a stranger and have them put in jail for what happened but why would I not want to do the same to a man I loved for so long. I trusted to love? My mind is not able to see him as a stranger and my heart can only forgive. I stepped away from both thoughts. What was done cannot be undone. This man will hurt no other soul. It is not the body he did the worst damage to, it was my soul. I have realized that's why this pain hurts so much.
Jan 2nd Almost 2 months from the day he beat me almost "to death".I'm still scared. Not so much as that day but still scared. I've had really great support from people I had only brief encounters with. It's made me see that the world isn't all horrible. I'm scared of little things. I don't want to be at the same place as him. I don't want to see him walking. I need him to leave. It's not fair for my son to see me so paranoid. I thought each passing day it would get easier and it hasn't.
Jan 5th Today it's been exactly 2 months since he and I have talked. Some would think it hurts my heart but nope it just doesn't feel anything anymore. I still hear him in my mind every so often. Something someone says or smell brings back a memory. Diary, I think I've got 5 books on the go right now. I can’t seem to stay focused anymore. I have to fix me I just not sure where to start. The rent is hard to gather. I think I've become paranoid.
Feb 15th , He has court today. I haven't heard anything from my Crown Attorney, I offered a deal and I don't even know if he took it. The system is leaving me in the dark. I know now why people drop Domestic Assault charges. Why continue with the pain when you know nothing of what is happening. I guess I don't matter, not like that's a first. I hate this not knowing. He has all the rights why. It doesn't matter. Nothing I can do but worry for my safety. If things don't go his way he reacts. He took my stepdaughter last time things didn't go his way. I think back now and I'm sure they all had this plan to take her. Nothing I can do about that either. Nothing I can do about much.
When I think about him I only seem to remember all the "beatings" can't call it hitting cause as he said he never "hit" me in the face. I try to think of happy moments with him but I'm clouded instantly with sad moments. I'm happy I'm allowed to think of them now. I feel a release and foolishness at the same time. I always took the blame I didn't want others to find out and think less of him. I honestly thought I knew him. 12 years.
Feb 19th, I keep thinking about him alot these days. 12 years. I cried so much last night. I blamed myself for all of this. We had good times but those were always followed by sad times. Its funny, well not really but I remembered now what his ex wife asked me 10 years ago. She asked me “has he hit you yet”, I said no and she said to me me, he will. Why only now do I remember this. I was shocked she asked me. There where always signs he could be abusive but of course I dismissed them.
March 24th , I've done so much and I’ve moved forward. I saw him driving today - I was told he no longer had the company truck. Why is this happening, I don't want to remember him, please Lord please keep him away from me.
June 4th, I'm scared again, I am scared of the new people I've met and scared of loving again with all of my heart. I am scared of letting strangers in. I face these fears with an open mind but my heart is not following… Why? Why heart?? Does my heart know more than my mind? Does my heart want me to grow or learn? If I let them in will I be hurt again? Will I cry all night again? Will I loose myself again? I'm tired of life's tests!!! I'm tired of being me and loosing in the end. I'm tired of hiding, I'm tired of knowing others hide too, I'm tired of not being able to speak out loud…